My mother in law has a habit of complaining about silly things, to my husband. My husband, in turn, takes his frustration out on me. I retaliate, and we end up fighting. This cycle is destroying our marriage. He is a good man, I love him, and I don’t want to leave him. How do I save my marriage?
In a situation like this, you ask yourself how to stop verbal abuse in the marriage. You even wonder why your verbally abusive husband blames you. You feel trapped, and like a victim for no reason. As a result, you retaliate, fight back, and try to escape from the marriage.
When you see an angry man fighting with himself, or breaking his car, you feel sorry for him. You try to analyze why he’s behaving this way. You try to find the source of his anger, and get him psychological help.
When we see an unrelated person with a bad temper, harming no one but himself, we feel sorry for the guy. If we see a woman suffering from her temperament, or anger, without actually hurting another person, we sympathize with her situation. We don’t get involved.
If this same aggressive stranger, is having a fight with another person unknown to us, we don’t get involved. But the moment the aggressor is related to us, we forget all lessons of sensibility, and get directly involved in the conflict.
If your girlfriend hurls insults at you, for no fault of yours, you suddenly react with counter-insults. You fail to remember that she too has her life baggage. Just like the stranger, she also needs sympathy. Her insults may be directed towards you, but they have nothing to do with you. Don’t take things personally.
Unless you are the reason for your partner’s anger and frustration, you have no reason to get involved, or to react, to his burst of anger. If you do retaliate, it would not be because of what he is saying to you, but because of your own psychological issues. You would be using his action, to justify your own “action”, and labeling it as a “reaction”. There are no reactions; there are only actions.
How to stop verbal abuse in marriage?
Stay present without getting involved. Remember that you’re only an observer.
When someone near us, especially if related to us, is emotionally charged, their energy evokes a similar response in us. We are all addicted to talking, and our immediate reaction is to respond, in a similar fashion – tit for tat. If you become aware of this poisonous instinct, you can let the urge flow right through to you, without letting it take control of you. This awareness will keep you in a state of consciousness, and thus capable of maneuvering the situation back to safety.
You can then allow the emotion to be there without being controlled by it. You no longer are the emotion; you are the watcher, the observing presence. If you practice this, all that is unconscious in you will be brought into the light of consciousness.
Don’t take anything personally.
When your husband takes his anger out on you, and says nasty things to you, it has nothing to do with you. When his mother poisons his mind, even if it’s about you, it is nothing personal against you. They’re suffering from their own poison. They’re trapped in a hell created by their experiences, feelings, beliefs, and opinions. Don’t take it personally. Don’t become a party or victim in this ridiculous game. If you take it personally, you will be agreeing with all the insults being showered upon you. As soon as you agree with the accusations, the poison will enter your system as well, and you too will become trapped in hell with them.
When you take things personally, then you feel offended, and your reaction is to defend your beliefs and create conflicts. You make something big out of something so little, because you have the need to be right and make everybody else wrong. You also try hard to be right by giving them your own opinions. In the same way, whatever you feel and do is just a projection of your own personal dream, a reflection of your own agreements.
Sympathize with your partner’s condition, with sincerity.
Being empathic toward’s your husband’s infliction is essential. He has a problem, just like you, and just like me. We all have the poison of our beliefs, and opinions, rooted deep within us. To be sincere towards him, you need to accept his condition, without humiliating him; without telling him that you are better than him, because you now understand the problem. You need to be sympathetic, without locking in on his mistake and making him feel bad about it, to prove how you may be better than him. Real love and sincerity mean you are not going to expose his weakness, or make him feel bad about it – even if he does that to you.
If we believe that someone can improve and that person feels we consider him to be our equal, he will hear our words and believe he can be a better person
Try to help him get through the moment, without further fueling the situation.
Give him a moment, let him have the room to vent. I am not saying that it is easy for you, or fair of him; but I do believe it is important that you do not launch a counter-attack. Let him get it out of his system. How long can it last? But if you make the mistake of making the slightest counter-attack, then there’s fuel in the fire, and you could have a battle in your midst. Don’t demean, or ridicule him. Show him that you understand, and that you consider him your equal.
When we are aware that our partner has emotional wounds, and we love our partner, we certainly don’t want to touch her wounds. We don’t want to push her to heal her wounds, and we don’t want her to push us to heal our wounds.